The Rat

I didn’t set out to be a rat; it just turned out that way.

They came at midnight. A chief inspector and six constables. Thumping on the door. Hard. My father stumbled down the stairs in his slippers and striped pajamas, pulling a robe around him as he came. Bleary-eyed he opened the door. When he saw the flashing red and blue lights his first thought had to be ‘what have I done’?

“We’ve had a report that Mark’s been badly beaten.”

Belting his robe my father allowed himself to be led to the back seat of one of the patrol cars and to be driven the five hundred yards around the corner to the Gnosall Police department. Here they find me bent over the bleeding body of young Mark, a local teen. As he emerged from the patrol car I saw Dad. Confusion and relief were all over his face.

I’d met Mark, or Sharkey, as the locals called him, when his mother, a co-worker at the government offices in Stafford, gave me a ride home one evening. When he had introduced himself by his nick-name I didn’t have to ask. The proportion of his curved proboscis as it extended from the middle of his face was enough. As for the shaved head, leather jacket, jeans with a wide cuff and ‘bovver’ boots, well they all spoke of his character. Over the next several months we exchanged nods as we passed on the street or in the pub. A casual acquaintance; no more.

I was a short-timer at this point. My parents had moved our family from the home I had known since I was three, to another in neighboring Gnosall. Small village to small village. This would never be my home. I had been accepted to university in America and was just biding my time, working over the summer to have a little spending money for when I moved to Texas.

I had been a well behaved child, not involved with the kind of trouble that would require the intervention of law enforcement. Whenever I thought of the police, which to be honest wasn’t often, I often recalled the rhyme my Mother recited to as me as a youngster. “If you want to know the time, ask a policeman.” It left a prevailing image of the typical British bobby; helpful, kind and respected.

After the policeman had called an ambulance and Sharkey was whisked away to hospital the questioning began in earnest. Yes I am a witness and yes I did recognize one of the assailants; Chris, long blonde hair, about nineteen I’d guess, football player. In fact we’d had a game tonight and we all just caught the bus home together. The assault happened as they exited the bus and I had been the one that had called nine one one.

When they knocked on his front door another father was met by flashing lights. Chris stood there with him, swathed in the light from the porch light. The constable handling the questioning turned his flashlight on me, sitting trembling in the cold in the back of the police car, illuminated my tired pale face and asked Chris if he recognized me. And so the rat was born, and my opinion of the boys in blue became a little fuzzy in the helpful, kind and respected department.

Luckily this story does have a happy ending, for this Mark anyway. After a couple of close calls, occasionally walking home the seven miles because Chris and his friends where again riding the last bus home, I managed to ensure I was never dealt a similar fate as Sharkey. This rat left town in one piece never to return.

Embarrased in Tucson

One evening last week as I wrapped up my evenings bill paying on the computer I noticed that I had a new message on Facebook.

When I clicked on the link I was pleasantly surprised to find a note from my college roommate. He was in town, remembered I lived in Tucson, and had been stood up on his business dinner and wondered if I was free to join him. He went on to say he was working in his room until seven and then planned to eat dinner in the restaurant at the hotel where he was staying The Hotel Arizona. I say I was surprised, as other than an occasional e-mail with his wife, who runs a college alumni website, I had not seen or spoken to him since our college days in 1976. Nevertheless I was pleased to join him as we had always gotten as roommates.

Hurriedly rushing downtown I found him munching on a burger and beer in the Saguaro Lounge, over looking the hotels spacious polished marble lobby. I was impressed with the area having not had the opportunity to visit since the new owners opened the place. Funny how first impressions can be wrong.

It was good to see my friend. He looked about the same as I recalled only thirty years older, and we sat and had a pleasant conversation. When the bartender approached us I asked for coffee – they had none. A bar and restaurant with no coffee? I finally had to suggest he trot off to the employee lounge, where they undoubtedly had coffee, to fetch me a cup. One was produced from somewhere and all seemed well.

Mt friend explained that he is an event planner with a large organization and was in town scoping out the facilities near the convention center, the Hotel Arizona is adjacent to the Tucson Convention Center, however he seemed a little nonplussed with the hotel to this point. As we were speaking the large burly bartender headed over again and asked if we needed anything else. We decided to try the cheesecake. Then we were informed the restaurant had already closed so it was not available. It was at this time only eight o’clock and the hotel advertised the restaurant, The Coyote Café and Bistro, was open until nine. We could not understand why we had not been given the courtesy of at least a ‘last call’… and I still can’t comprehend why even if it was closed, that the barman could not have lifted the lid of the cheesecake container and slid out two pieces of pie. It was not as if the place was crawling with people wanting to eat. The only other occupants of the bar seemed more intent on watching television or drinking beer.

Talking of the ‘other occupants’. In the main lobby a group gathered learning to dance the Flamenco from some gringo that claimed had, we could hear over our conversation and the baseball game on the flat screen TV (By the way this is billed on the hotel website as a “…big screen television to add to the enchanting experience of fine dining…”. Oh really.. beer & a burger in a bar is fine dining - not even in Tucson thank you very much), lived in Argentina at one time. As distracting as they were they had nothing on the ‘working girl’ that was apparently trolling the lobby. In stilettos taller than her skirt was long she approached several gentlemen trying to get a cigarette lit. Seeing as how smoking in public buildings in Tucson is against the law, this was apparently a secret code for “step outside with me I have a van.” One gentleman lit her cigarette and they came back in to the lobby after about twenty minutes. She evidently was a chain smoker as she continued to attempt to get a light.

My dining, well drinking companion actually, went on to explain how the phones in his suite did not work. He had phoned the lobby with his cellular phone to get them to come up and fix the phones in the room. No manager was on duty, the grey-clad, key bearing maintenance man seemed to be in charge. Also the suite had no iron or ironing board (even thought again the website clearly states it has one in each room), and the “complimentary high speed wireless internet” apparently worked in the room but left a little to be desired in the bar/lobby area unless you were standing on one leg, facing north, with your baseball cap on backwards.. well, you get the idea.

I was embarrassed for him and for Tucson. As for whether the hotel is a site for conventioneers to stay well I don’t’ have to make that decision, my friend does.

'Dithering Dave" Moyes

It always drives me crazy... especially as an Everton Fan. Not only do we have 'dithering Dave' as a manager, who every season seems to wait until the last moment to buy his players, as he watches what we have been told by the media are supposedly prime targets get sold to Manchester United or worse Liverpool, but then half the teams want our star players. So we are torn do we sell Lescott and Cahill? As a supporter it is clear .. hell no! As a business manager it has to be looked at as fifteen million pounds profit per player if we let them go for twenty million a piece. That would give us a tidy profit and loosen up some funds for the players we do want to bring in.
As for Everton I must say Moyes has bought in some talented players from the lower leagues, Spanish cast-offs etc and made a cohesive unit that if we can stay fit will challenge in Europe and for silverware in England again this year. Wish we just had a fairy godmother to wave a wand and buy us the 3-4 players who would make a difference.
So who goes and who stays.. it's always a jigsaw puzzle with a missing piece in frustration levels to me. Stay on top of the action at The Transfer Tavern and watch this space for more ruminations on who goes where as I get my blog bitching going for the new Season. Catch me on Facebook as I pull a Luke Garbutt (actually I correspond regularly on Facebook with several junior members of Everton's 'young lions' and you can too if you check my page out. I want to add a congratulations to Anthony Gerrard, a former youth player at Everton, who has just made the transfer from Walsall to Cardiff to secure a Championship position for this season.
By the way Only 15 days to the first pre-season game for Everton, and then they come to visit America. I had hoped to be able to visit Utah to see the game against the MLS Allstars but looks like I'll have to watch in on the boob-tube after all.

Soccerpro.com 2009 review

My friends at Soccerpro.com contacted me a few weeks back and asked if I would be interested in trying some of the gear out as I did last year and letting my readers know about them and their products here in Bollocks. Of course I was delighted to oblige and swiftly went through their online catalog and chose a couple of items as you will see below.

I should preface my comments by mentioning a couple of things. I was recently diagnosed with a bulging disk in my lower back so I have perhaps not had the opportunity to put these items through an intense training schedule, however I believe I have used them a least as hard as any member of the general public would, outside of actually playing a soccer game in the clothes. The doctor did release me for training activities last week so I hope this is sufficient as to give you a good idea of these particular items. Secondly it has been 95 degrees in Tucson this week so I have had to train indoors more than out, so that should give you a different perspective to consider.

The first item I chose was a short-sleeved T-shirt. You can view it at this link, so as you can see it is manufactured by Nike,is colored navy and is emblazoned with the words "Property of U.S. Soccer Federation, EST. 1913" in red.
I really liked this product for a number of reasons. It has no annoying tag in the back, the Nike emblem is printed on the shirt. It is 100% cotton, but has the wicking quality that many work out shirts do these days, and neck is wide and stretches without losing its shape. I took a four-mile hike up Sabino Canyon over the weekend in 90 degree temperatures and worked up a good sweat (actually since this was my first distance hike since my injury I turned around just a little before the two mile-marker, so in actual fact the shirt did better than I. I was comfortable and relatively dry and cool, the shirt did not soak up sweat like cotton shirts normally do. I also wore it work on Casual-Friday ab d it solicited a couple of comments as to being a good-looking shirt.

The second item is a training suit from the LA Galaxy. I was surprised by how heavy the material was, but impressed with the flash colorful yellow and blue. The jacket is nice enough to wear as a jacket with jeans with a nice t-shirt (or at least would be somewhere other than Arizona); perhaps the temperature might be cold enough for a couple of weeks in February! I don't know if it's ever cold enough in California for this outfit to train in, perhaps more suited to the mid-west or back East. I tried on the pants and have to say if you have nice long muscular legs - like my wife who immediately stole them from me saying they would suit her me then me - (I did nick them back when she left the house) - but if you have calves like grapefruit from years of long distance running as I do, then they clip a little uncomfortably around the lower leg. Their is an option to pull open the zipper to mid-calf, however that looks kind of dorky when running or cycling, however the zipper does allow enough room to take the pants on and off with out removing your training shoes if you are so inclined. Adidas does have the tag in the back but it did not seem to itch or bother me at all. The material is 100% polyester, and it has two zippered side pockets voluminous to lose your car keys in.

The top also is equipped with two zippered side pockets and two inner open pockets. It was in these inner pockets that I sequestered my car keys when I went down to the gym and rode the stationary bike for an hour - long enough to work up a slight sheen of sweat, probably because I was wearing the trainer! Somewhere over Random Hills however in this recumbent seating the keys fell out, so use the zippered pockets or spend an hour or so walking back and forth over the soccer filed mumbling cuss words as you try to find your missing car keys.

I wore the outfit to work today as it was casual Friday and the bright yellow top raised some eyebrows from a couple of the more conservative types (including my boss!) but I loved it. The top all though being long sleeved is fashioned, at least length-wise, like a bowling shirt. The only problem I encountered was that, along with the draw-string that tightens the pants, the length made standing at the urinal a little inconvenient!

As it turns out SoccerPro.com is getting serious about Facebook and Twitter and are
spending a lot more resources trying to get people informed. Check out their
Facebook page here which has various contests on a continual basis.

http://www.facebook.com/pages/SoccerProcom/28805721020

http://www.twitter.com/SoccerPro

Everton and the 2009 FA Cup

It was 5 am when I stirred feverishly in the confines of my king-sized bed. As usual the wife had managed to pull the blankets around just her so I was laying curled up in a ball, feeling the breeze from the fan making the hair on my legs move as he blades swung. Not cold mind you this is Arizona in May and the temperature outside was probably already 75 degrees.
I pulled my self up into a sitting position and hacked up a loogie; sinus problems in a dry heat make one sound like Tony Randall in the Odd Couple every morning. I yawned and stretched. Looking over my shoulder I debated on whether to wake the missus for a little pre-game celebration but decided naw.. let her sleep. She is not a soccer (football for the purists) fan at all.
I got up bent over and fished my blue t-shirt out of the bottom draw. Has the name Ball and 8 on the back in white. Stumbling out to the kitchen I went through the motions of making coffee and then headed back to my office to pull up Facebook and have a natter with my nephew Michael at Uni in Sheffield. He had played on Man U's youth squad at one time and I caught him getting ready to head off down the pub to watch the game on the telly. 2-0 to Chelsea he predicts 2-1 Everton in OT say I.. good luck and he's off.
I went out and switched on the telly so I could here the US commentators drone on about the up coping game, and grabbed a mug off coffee heading back to the computer to read what the Beeb had to say on it's pre-game notes. Everyone seems to agree that Everton is the under-dog and stands no chance; would be out-classed by Chelsea's wonder-men. Typical; no respect. Look who we knocked-off to earn the right to be in this game for the first time in 13 years, Man U, Aston Villa, Liverpool, all teams higher than us in the premier league at the time we faced them. We have a chance I told myself.
7 am and kick off. Thank God I had taken a mug of coffee with me to the sofa instead of getting one in the opening seconds 'cos Saha pops up and scores the fastest goal in FA Cup history. Just like that 28 seconds, he lashes on to Fellani's header and Chelsea are a heavy-weight on the ropes. The noise in Wembley Stadium was so overpowering that I could not hear the commentators clearly for a good five minutes. Othe r than jubilation the only thought I had was it's too early. What a terrible time to score. How the hell are we going to hold them for 90 minutes? If had been the 45 minute I would have been happier.. and then of course 20 minutes later Drogba gets on the end of a cross that Hibbert did not get at fast enough and it was all even.
The resat is history, Lampard pulled out a typical 20 yard screamer and that was all she wrote. My biggest disappointment, other than the actual score line was the way Everton's midfield men disappeared. The must have just wilted in the almost 100 degree heat that London was blessed with that day. Osman and Pienaar were not effective, Hibbert was replaced at the break by Jacobsen, more for his sin of not getting at Malouda faster than anything else, but for the rest of the lads well done. It just wasn't to be but look how far we have come.
Next year we will challenge again, and a top four league spot is open for us to take. Watch Moyes buy us a couple of replacements, get the squad fit and were ready to push Arsenal out of the way next year!

Bollocks' EPL season reviewed club by club

How they did this year: Manchester United. League Champs

Over-rated: Rooney, sorry I’m an Everton supporter and cannot ever say anything nice here – he can do more than he does.

Under-rated: Foster; Fletcher

Best Transfer: Berbatov

Best Youth: Macheda

Player that can no longer hack playing in the Premiership: Neville, just needs to retire, faithful old injured servant.

What must they do to be successful next year: Same song, second verse. Need to continue to replace aging players, or under-performing ones.


How they did this year: Liverpool 2nd and should have done better.

Over-rated: Mascherano

Under-rated: Benayoun

Best Transfer: Kuyt

Best Youth: Babel

Player that can no longer hack playing in the Premiership: N’gog

What must they do to be successful next year: Stop the manager fron scrapping with the owners, who need to settle rumours of their financial problems so the team can settle down, and for goodness sake find Torres a better strike partner.


How they did this year: Chelsea 3rd and FA cup finalists

Over-rated: Ballack

Under-rated: Malouda

Best Transfer: Anelka

Best Youth: Mancienne

Player that can no longer hack playing in the Premiership: Chelsea have a habit of waiving defenders one they get a little long in the tooth so while Ashley Cole still has many years to play in the Prem perhaps he is no longer good enough to fir in a top-four team

What must they do to be successful next year: Find a way to get Anelka and Drogba on the field at the same time. Perhaps a new manager, as one is expected, will bring some new tactics to let this star-studded team flow a little better.


How they did this year: Arsenal 4th. They survived a period at the end of the year of losing, but knowing that neither r team below them could catch them in points, but that they could not catch the top three teams either. Fourth is not bad.

Over-rated: Amunia

Under-rated: Van Persie

Best Transfer: Arshavin

Best Youth: Walcott

Player that can no longer hack playing in the Premiership: Gallas, past his prime and too temperamental to be captain. Perhaps an up and-comer in the Championship might desire his knowledge like WBA

What must they do to be successful next year: I don’t believe they will challenge for anything more than a top ten spot in the league next year. There is a growth period coming, a lack of money to buy new and talk of Adebayor moving to Chelsea. This hard working dedicated group, susceptible to injury this past year will struggle a little, especially trying to keep up with Europe, and if they fall outside of the Big Four may just lose their manager too.


How they did this year: Everton 5th and FA cup finalists.

Over-rated: Yobo

Under-rated: Osman

Best Transfer: Fellaini

Best Youth: Rodman

Player that can no longer hack playing in the Premiership: Van der Meyde; Valente

What must they do to be successful next year: Stay healthier longer. Last two seasons have seen an interruption of flow due to injuries and the squad is too small to support that type of loss. For the last half of the season midfielders have been masquerading as strikers, reasonably successfully, so perhaps a top 4 position would have been in their grasp if the squad was stronger. Would like to see them bring in a sturdy midfielder like Huddleston from Spurs.


How they did this year: Aston Villa 6th. Switched off one too many times. Needs a little more consistency. Qualified for the Europa League.

Over-rated: Harewood

Under-rated: Barry

Best Transfer: Milner, L. Young

Best Youth: Albrighton

Player that can no longer hack playing in the Premiership: Guzman should leave to gain experience. He is doing his international status no good on the bench. There are plenty of Championship teams he can earn a living at.


What must they do to be successful next year: Keep Heskey healthy. He is worth a ton of goals. Will really miss Laurensen as captain as he is retiring. They need to find a strong leader for the back line. Perhaps Micah Richards would flourish under O’Neills tutelage, though the manager has his eyes on Lescott. I expect them to be challenging for Europe again 2010.


How they did this year: Fulham 7th Qualified for the Europa League

Over-rated: Konchesky

Under-rated: Murphy

Best Transfer: Schwarzer

Best Youth: Omozusi

Player that can no longer hack playing in the Premiership: Gera

What must they do to be successful next year: They took a run of luck in the Europa league to give their players some experience because the team is not strong enough, even with as wily a fox as Hodgson is as a manager, to compete for the top four in the Prem. Top ten next year is a possibility.


How they did this year: Tottenham 8th. Had a strong finish under difficult circumstances that had found them in the bottom five at one time.

Over-rated: Woodgate

Under-rated: Modric

Best Transfer: Keane

Best Youth: Huddlestone

Player that can no longer hack playing in the Premiership: Gomes; Pavlyuchenko

What must they do to be successful next year: On paper they challenge for top 7 status next year. Redknapp taking over as manager gives them the edge they were looking for, and perhaps strengthening the defense as King and Woodgate ain’t going to be strong enough next year.


How they did this year: West Ham 9th. Over-achieved

Over-rated: Green

Under-rated: Noble

Best Transfer: Tristan

Best Youth: Sears

Player that can no longer hack playing in the Premiership: Bowyer

What must they do to be successful next year: Even with Zola in charge I see this team struggling to get in the top ten. Financially they will struggle and the helpers they bought in to shore up a weakened side are slow and a year older. It will be 3-5 years before this team is able to break in to the top part of the table again.


How they did this year: Manchester City 10th but they under performed and should have been challenging the top six.

Over-rated: Benjani

Under-rated: Ireland

Best Transfer: Jo, and they loaned him out!

Best Youth: Richards

Player that can no longer hack playing in the Premiership: Vassell; Dunne; Mills: Haman

What must they do to be successful next year: Find a way to make this group of super-stars gel and get into the top six. Out of the also-rans out there they, on paper, stand the best chance. A slow start will see Hughes will get his marching orders. They need to trash their entire defense except for Bridge. Sell Richards to Arsenal for some super tutelage and get him back in the England fold. Dunne is done, Mills too... too old for the Prem. Strengthening the defense will give the elite strikers a chance to work better.



How they did this year: Wigan 11th. How often can Bruce pull a miracle out of the hat?

Over-rated: Bramble

Under-rated: Kirkland

Best Transfer: Cattermole

Best Youth: Watson

Player that can no longer hack playing in the Premiership: Koumas; Cho; Zaki

What must they do to be successful next year: Find momentum and consistency. Manager Steve Bruce seems to always find a way to shuffle players and survive, and that is all they will do next year unless they can bring in a proven striker and get a good start to the season. Sorry Wigan I peg you for bottom five next season.


How they did this year: Stoke, 12th survived their first year back with a mid-table showing and that is commendable. They have a strong manager in Pulis and until they bought in Beattie one of the tallest squads in the Prem on average.

Over-rated: Olofinjana

Under-rated: Etherington

Best Transfer: Beattie

Best Youth: Pugh

Player that can no longer hack playing in the Premiership: Tonge, needs to go back to the Championship

What must they do to be successful next year: Find away to win six more games and challenge for a mid-table spot. With rivals from the Midlands, Birmingham City and Wolverhampton Wanderers in the Prem next year they could get overshadowed.


How they did this year: Bolton 13th. Always a hard team to beat at home they felt a little short of their toughman image the last few games of the season and it probably lost them the top ten berth I thought they deserved.

Over-rated: Muamba

Under-rated: Cahill

Best Transfer: Habsi

Best Youth: Obadeyi

Player that can no longer hack playing in the Premiership: Samuel, McCann

What must they do to be successful next year: Find a proven goal scorer to take the target off of Davies' back.


How they did this year: Portsmouth 14th. Tough year with survival down to the last few weeks.

Over-rated: Campbell

Under-rated: Pennant

Best Transfer: Pennant

Best Youth: Kilbey

Player that can no longer hack playing in the Premiership: Nugent; Kanu

What must they do to be successful next year: With James injured and aging, a strong reserve ‘keeper is needed, perhaps Hart from Man City as an under-study and replacement. Most of the defense is aging and a stronger youth/reserve team is needed to draw from if they hope to stay in the Prem next year.


How they did this year: Blackburn 15th. It would have been worse if Ince had stayed as manager. He just didn’t mesh with this team (though I think he will succeed at the right team eventually). Bringing in Allardyce helped them stabilize as he is great and bringing out the best in mediocre players.

Over-rated: Roberts

Under-rated: Nelson

Best Transfer: Robinson

Best Youth: Doran

Player that can no longer hack playing in the Premiership: Tugay Kerimoglu

What must they do to be successful next year: This squad will never be more than a middle of the road, bordering on top-ten status, unless Allardyce can pull off a miracle. McCarthy is getting a little long in the tooth, and their hard-working defense needs to be shored up. Bringing back Derbyshire from on-loan at Olympk will provide some needed speed to the midfield.


How they did this year: Sunderland 16th. They were lucky to hang up through the final couple of games

Over-rated: Jones

Under-rated: Malbranque

Best Transfer: Ferdinand

Best Youth: Waghorn

Player that can no longer hack playing in the Premiership: Diouf; Yorke

What must they do to be successful next year: Get a strong manager and then find a strike force, Cisse was on loan but never was the leader they needed up front. Bottom five again next year


How they did this year: Hull 17th Needed final day failures from other teams to survive. Their fast start to the season paid off in the long run

Over-rated: Boateng

Under-rated: Zayette

Best Transfer: Bullard

Best Youth: Cooper

Player that can no longer hack playing in the Premiership: Barmby; Kilbane; Windass

What must they do to be successful next year: They can’t. Will always be a perennial bottom 5 club.


Newcastle: 18th The club needs to re-gain it's pride, get a strong youth team, hang on to the core group of players, and buy well with the talent they have to off load. They will be back next season.

Middlesbourgh: 19th It will be a long time before we see them in the top strata of football again.



West Brom: 20th. Weak. Goodbye.